Growing Up Gay and Adventist
by Ron Lawson
I have been asked to summarize my
experience growing up in a strong
Adventist family only to find myself gay.
I remember realizing that I was somehow
different when I was about 5 years old. I
didn't have a name for it yet of, course,
nor was it expressed yet in sexual
attraction. Perhaps it was feeling more
comfortable with girls than boys, not
liking the rough and tumble of boys’
behavior; perhaps it was my love for
singing, and soon for playing music, and
my eagerness to spend hours by myself
practicing. (Later, as I became a serious
organist and then, later still, realized
about my sexuality, I would come to see
my organ-playing as a sign of my sexual
orientation, for almost every male
organist I knew turned out to be gay.)
Perhaps it was also in the joy I felt at
church, in my sensitivity to spiritual
things, my delight in the music there, in
the love and acceptance I felt there as a
child, my sense that I belonged there--a
sense that seemed to be greater than
that felt by my peers.
At 12 years I shot up, tall (over 6 ft) and
strapping. My peers started to notice the
girls differently, but I found I was drawn
to some of them. It was very confusing. I
had questions, but nowhere to find
answers. Then, at 13, I attended both the
junior and youth camps run by my local
conference. There was a night in
between the two, with only two of us--me
and an older guy (16) who had been a
counselor at the junior camp--in the
dorm. He seduced me that night. I was a
very willing participant, and it was a good
experience, for we talked a lot and many
questions were answered: I heard the
word "homosexual" for the first time,
realized I was not the only one in the
world with these attractions, found out
something about what "we" could do
together to express our attractions. He
went on to work for the church,
eventually becoming a Union president.
It all seemed very natural--no guilt yet at
all.
Guilt came about the time I went to
college. My sex drive was really strong,
and I realized that it was easy to find sex
with men, and I became quite
promiscuous. I longed for the romance I
saw between my straight friends at
church, but there seemed to be nothing
there for me. I was strongly attracted to a
friend there, but I could not even let him
know. All I could find was quick sex acts
with strangers. I felt so bad after each
experience that I would pretend I did not
know the guy if I saw him again. Since I
rejected myself, there was no possibility
of forming a relationship with anyone. I
was intensely lonely. I prayed all the time
for God to take this away, to change me; I
cried; I fasted. I knew instinctively that I
could not tell my parents, nor go to
anyone in the church for help—they
would only condemn, and I was doing
that already to myself. I eventually went
to the counseling office at the university
and asked for help to change. The
counselor was amazed that I was doing
so well in my studies as a grad student
when I was so conflicted. He provided
"aversion therapy"--sexually oriented
slides, which were accompanied by a
small shock when it was a naked man,
but not when it was a woman. My
reaction was to become even more
promiscuous. I tortured myself,
wondered if it might be Jesus' will for me
to cut off my genitals, and became totally
desperate--WHY DID GOD NOT ANSWER
MY PRAYERS?
The struggle continued until I was 34. I
was still deeply spiritual, heavily
involved in church. I still did not think of
myself as gay--this was not what I was,
only something I kept doing and then
repenting of and fruitlessly promising
God I would never do it again. The
remarkable thing was that I remained
sure of my connection to God.
Eventually I found myself thinking
through the significance of God's failure
to answer my prayers. Surely God had
the power to change me if He wanted to!
Then maybe He did not want to? At age
34 a friend and I discovered we were
mutually attracted to one another. This
was something new--and it developed
into love. This made such a difference!
He was not an Adventist, but of course I
took him to church--I wanted to share all
the important things in my life with him.
Instinctively I knew that this was good,
that God was leading. Indeed, I found
that in loving another for the first time I
gained important new insights into the
love of God. Truly it was "not good for
man to be alone."
Along the way I had dated lots of women
friends. I was responding to social
pressure and also to my loneliness. I was
comfortable with these friends, and
enjoyed sharing concerts and picnics
with them. The problem was that they
often came to be attracted to me--I was
considered good looking, intelligent,
well educated, and I had become socially
comfortable. They saw my failure to apply
sexual pressure to them as compatible
with my heavy church involvement. I am
so glad that I did not fall into the trap of
"turning on the romance" and marrying
one of them, as so many gay Adventists
have done (indeed, those who went for
counseling were often advised to "pray
about it, date a woman, and marry her—
God would make sure it would work
out!"). That would have been a recipe for
disaster--for both of us, and any children
who might have resulted.
My first relationship did not last that
long—neither of us had had any
experience in relationships, and we were
unreasonably possessive and jealous,
for having finally found love, it was so
important to us. We had missed out on all
the experience most heterosexuals have
as teenagers. However, I have been with
my present partner for more than a
decade; we are officially "domestic
partners" registered with the local
authorities, and we have a strong sense
that God has led us. Indeed, looking
back, I realize that He was trying to lead
me for years when I would not allow
myself to follow—I was much more
attuned to the prejudice around me that
to the leading of God.
I eventually "came out" to my parents in
my early 40s. I am glad I did not do so
when younger, for then I could only have
told them of my "problem", and it would
have caused them only distress, for they
would not have known what to do.
However, by this time I was comfortable
with myself, sure that God had led, and
could present the situation positively.
I decided to do it because I realized that,
by keeping something so central to my
identity away from my parents, they did
not really know me—it was causing
separation even though this was
unconscious on their part. I was also
able to tell them that I had four gay
cousins. (Later I was to discover that my
only nephew was also gay.) We had
grown up in different countries and in
three different denominations, but this
was clearly a family trait. Just as I had
taken a long time to accept myself, I
could not expect my parents to embrace
the news immediately. They had to have
room to ask questions, to mull over the
answers. I had to be patient when Dad
wondered aloud what was "wrong" with
our (extended) family. I found that for a
while the traditional roles were
reversed--I had to be there for my
parents rather than they for me, at least
in this matter.
While many of my gay Adventist friends
seem to have encountered only rejection
at church, and have often left in despair,
my experience has been different--a mix,
of course, but I have received a lot of
love and support. I am very grateful to
God for that, and to those who have
been so supportive. These ultimately
included my parents, whose love for me
led them to accept me; when they saw my
partner Scott and me together, they
realized how much we meant to one
another, and formally welcomed him into
the family. There were tears all around
that day.
TOP GLOWhome Stories Index
SDAbridges Index
31 May 2004 10:31 AM
by Ron Lawson
I have been asked to summarize my
experience growing up in a strong
Adventist family only to find myself gay.
I remember realizing that I was somehow
different when I was about 5 years old. I
didn't have a name for it yet of, course,
nor was it expressed yet in sexual
attraction. Perhaps it was feeling more
comfortable with girls than boys, not
liking the rough and tumble of boys’
behavior; perhaps it was my love for
singing, and soon for playing music, and
my eagerness to spend hours by myself
practicing. (Later, as I became a serious
organist and then, later still, realized
about my sexuality, I would come to see
my organ-playing as a sign of my sexual
orientation, for almost every male
organist I knew turned out to be gay.)
Perhaps it was also in the joy I felt at
church, in my sensitivity to spiritual
things, my delight in the music there, in
the love and acceptance I felt there as a
child, my sense that I belonged there--a
sense that seemed to be greater than
that felt by my peers.
At 12 years I shot up, tall (over 6 ft) and
strapping. My peers started to notice the
girls differently, but I found I was drawn
to some of them. It was very confusing. I
had questions, but nowhere to find
answers. Then, at 13, I attended both the
junior and youth camps run by my local
conference. There was a night in
between the two, with only two of us--me
and an older guy (16) who had been a
counselor at the junior camp--in the
dorm. He seduced me that night. I was a
very willing participant, and it was a good
experience, for we talked a lot and many
questions were answered: I heard the
word "homosexual" for the first time,
realized I was not the only one in the
world with these attractions, found out
something about what "we" could do
together to express our attractions. He
went on to work for the church,
eventually becoming a Union president.
It all seemed very natural--no guilt yet at
all.
Guilt came about the time I went to
college. My sex drive was really strong,
and I realized that it was easy to find sex
with men, and I became quite
promiscuous. I longed for the romance I
saw between my straight friends at
church, but there seemed to be nothing
there for me. I was strongly attracted to a
friend there, but I could not even let him
know. All I could find was quick sex acts
with strangers. I felt so bad after each
experience that I would pretend I did not
know the guy if I saw him again. Since I
rejected myself, there was no possibility
of forming a relationship with anyone. I
was intensely lonely. I prayed all the time
for God to take this away, to change me; I
cried; I fasted. I knew instinctively that I
could not tell my parents, nor go to
anyone in the church for help—they
would only condemn, and I was doing
that already to myself. I eventually went
to the counseling office at the university
and asked for help to change. The
counselor was amazed that I was doing
so well in my studies as a grad student
when I was so conflicted. He provided
"aversion therapy"--sexually oriented
slides, which were accompanied by a
small shock when it was a naked man,
but not when it was a woman. My
reaction was to become even more
promiscuous. I tortured myself,
wondered if it might be Jesus' will for me
to cut off my genitals, and became totally
desperate--WHY DID GOD NOT ANSWER
MY PRAYERS?
The struggle continued until I was 34. I
was still deeply spiritual, heavily
involved in church. I still did not think of
myself as gay--this was not what I was,
only something I kept doing and then
repenting of and fruitlessly promising
God I would never do it again. The
remarkable thing was that I remained
sure of my connection to God.
Eventually I found myself thinking
through the significance of God's failure
to answer my prayers. Surely God had
the power to change me if He wanted to!
Then maybe He did not want to? At age
34 a friend and I discovered we were
mutually attracted to one another. This
was something new--and it developed
into love. This made such a difference!
He was not an Adventist, but of course I
took him to church--I wanted to share all
the important things in my life with him.
Instinctively I knew that this was good,
that God was leading. Indeed, I found
that in loving another for the first time I
gained important new insights into the
love of God. Truly it was "not good for
man to be alone."
Along the way I had dated lots of women
friends. I was responding to social
pressure and also to my loneliness. I was
comfortable with these friends, and
enjoyed sharing concerts and picnics
with them. The problem was that they
often came to be attracted to me--I was
considered good looking, intelligent,
well educated, and I had become socially
comfortable. They saw my failure to apply
sexual pressure to them as compatible
with my heavy church involvement. I am
so glad that I did not fall into the trap of
"turning on the romance" and marrying
one of them, as so many gay Adventists
have done (indeed, those who went for
counseling were often advised to "pray
about it, date a woman, and marry her—
God would make sure it would work
out!"). That would have been a recipe for
disaster--for both of us, and any children
who might have resulted.
My first relationship did not last that
long—neither of us had had any
experience in relationships, and we were
unreasonably possessive and jealous,
for having finally found love, it was so
important to us. We had missed out on all
the experience most heterosexuals have
as teenagers. However, I have been with
my present partner for more than a
decade; we are officially "domestic
partners" registered with the local
authorities, and we have a strong sense
that God has led us. Indeed, looking
back, I realize that He was trying to lead
me for years when I would not allow
myself to follow—I was much more
attuned to the prejudice around me that
to the leading of God.
I eventually "came out" to my parents in
my early 40s. I am glad I did not do so
when younger, for then I could only have
told them of my "problem", and it would
have caused them only distress, for they
would not have known what to do.
However, by this time I was comfortable
with myself, sure that God had led, and
could present the situation positively.
I decided to do it because I realized that,
by keeping something so central to my
identity away from my parents, they did
not really know me—it was causing
separation even though this was
unconscious on their part. I was also
able to tell them that I had four gay
cousins. (Later I was to discover that my
only nephew was also gay.) We had
grown up in different countries and in
three different denominations, but this
was clearly a family trait. Just as I had
taken a long time to accept myself, I
could not expect my parents to embrace
the news immediately. They had to have
room to ask questions, to mull over the
answers. I had to be patient when Dad
wondered aloud what was "wrong" with
our (extended) family. I found that for a
while the traditional roles were
reversed--I had to be there for my
parents rather than they for me, at least
in this matter.
While many of my gay Adventist friends
seem to have encountered only rejection
at church, and have often left in despair,
my experience has been different--a mix,
of course, but I have received a lot of
love and support. I am very grateful to
God for that, and to those who have
been so supportive. These ultimately
included my parents, whose love for me
led them to accept me; when they saw my
partner Scott and me together, they
realized how much we meant to one
another, and formally welcomed him into
the family. There were tears all around
that day.
TOP GLOWhome Stories Index
SDAbridges Index
31 May 2004 10:31 AM
Proud Gay Adventist's Testimonies
I'm a Gay Adventist --
So What Are My Options?
© 2005 by Inge S. Anderson
Back to Perspectives | Back to Inge's Inklings
Gay and lesbian Adventists often believe they have only two
options -- either to submit to change therapy in order to
become "heterosexual" or to join the gay world in indulging in
gay sex. But this either/or argument is one invented by the
devil himself, I'm sure, because attempting either option can
result in a kind of slavery. And Satan specializes in slavery. But
the Good News is that Jesus came to give us freedom! So
please stay with me to examine some other options.
Option 1
In other essays I've expressed disagreement with the
philosophy of change ministries. (See "About Change
Ministries" and "Change Ministries Revisited.") So, I don't
consider that a viable option, except as a way to meet some
dedicated, like-minded Christians and learn some coping
methods. (And you will meet some fine, dedicated Christians
there and could possibly make some life-long friends.)
We don't know of any change ministries currently run by
Adventists, even though Homosexuals Anonymous, originally
started by former Adventist Colin Cook, still has chapters here
and there. (Friends tell me that HA meetings can be helpful
and supportive.) However, the history of Colin Cook and his
repeated sexual indiscretions while running change ministries
seem to have soured Adventist leadership on backing
ministries involved with homosexual issues. It is to their credit
that editors of Ministry magazine tackled the topic some years
back, and they have given us permission to re-publish some of
these articles. See "Adventist Leaders and Writers Address
Homosexuality."
Some Principles
And this is a good place to point out that a homosexual
orientation does not make anyone any more sinful or
"abominable" in the sight of God than a heterosexual
orientation. (See What Is an Abomination to God?) We are all
born sinners (Romans 3:23) with a heart that "is deceitful
above all things and desperately wicked." (Jeremiah 17:9) All
except Jesus. He was God in human flesh come to deliver us
from sin and to show us the way to live a victorious Christian
life. And His way was the way of self-denial: He came not to do
His own will, but the will of Him that sent Him (John 6:38). He
calls us to the same path, saying to all who would follow him,
"Take up your cross daily, and follow me." (Luke 9:23) It's one
of the paradoxes of the gospel that we find joy and happiness
by giving up our own way and submitting to His.
Satan has deceived us into thinking that we will be happier
when we do things our way instead of God's way. He has
pictured God as the kill-joy and himself as the "liberator." But
you know he's a liar. The Bible tells us that true freedom and
liberty is found by those who walk within God's Law -- the
fence He has set around us to keep us from harm. (See such
passages as Psalm 119:45, Isaiah 61:1, James 1:25) A little lady
who had some real insight into how things really are wrote this
some years back: "God never leads His children otherwise
than they would choose to be led, if they could see the end
from the beginning and discern the glory of the purpose which
they are fulfilling as co-workers with Him." (Ellen White in
Ministry of Healing, p. 479) But Satan has many ways to cause
us to doubt the goodness of God. One of the most terrible is
the abuse of children by their fathers. Thus I know some gay
men and lesbian women who have had a very difficult time
relating to God because the Bible refers to God as Father, and
their father has abused them. (That is a whole subject unto
itself.) While there are also other images of God in the Bible, it
may be best just to think of God as the ideal father they should
have had. Our imaginations are very powerful, and there is no
better use for them than to make truths feel real to us.
Option 2
An option that the world presents to homosexually oriented
persons is to just go for it -- indulge in gay sex and live the
"gay life." While at first, this thought repels the conscientious
Christian, it's quite possible to become used to it. As
Alexander Pope wrote,
Vice is a monster of such frightful mien
That to be hated needs but to be seen.
But seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.
(from Pope's "Essay on Man")
And that's the danger in watching gay movies, and even
listening to the news. Inhibitions are broken down, and, once
tried, gay sex seems so "natural." Furthermore, it's highly
addictive.
Advocates of gay sex and gay "marriage," represented among
Adventists by SDAKinship International, argue something like
this: God created me gay; therefore it must be all right to
indulge my sexual desires. The texts in the Bible referring to
same-gender sex must not refer to relationships between
those who are homosexually oriented. (Please understand that
I believe that SDAKinship has done and is still doing a valuable
service by rescuing Adventist gay people from the pit of
despair. They fail, however, in providing a genuine practical
and biblically sound solution.)
Books have been written to interpret the five texts in
Scripture referring to same-gender sex in such a manner as to
exclude loving relationships. (Hey, it takes books to turn these
clear texts into something that permits gay sex!) Gay
theologians argue that the texts mentioning same-gender sex
in Scripture refer to temple prostitutes in connection with idol
worship, for instance, and they do not refer to loving
relationships between two persons of the same gender. What
they fail to take into account is that, even if this were true, gay
sex is mentioned in the Bible, and never favorably. By
contrast, marriage between a man and a woman is mentioned
frequently as being blessed of God. Indeed, God often uses
marriage as an analogy of the kind of relationship He wishes to
have with His people. Furthermore, the Bible makes clear that
all sex outside this relationship is abhorred in God's sight --
whether that's heterosexual or homosexual. I figure the same
God who made us knows that there's something about the
sexual "one-flesh" experience that takes something away from
us unless we engage in it within the boundaries God has
provided. We ignore His rules to our own injury.
The position of the Adventist church on this issue is
unequivocal: Sexual intercourse is to be reserved for
marriage between a man and a woman. (See the Adventist
position statements referenced on this site.) This is based on
the biblical record which indicates that God invented sex and
blessed sexual union for the purpose of procreation and
promoting "oneness" between a man and a woman joined for
life in the covenant of marriage. He gave sex to humanity
made in His image so that we might partake in His creative
activity, and He often speaks of His relationship with His
people in terms like that of this original marriage covenant. By
contrast, same-gender sex is only mentioned five times and
never in positive terms. Gay theologians thus stand on rather
shaky ground.
The fact that several Adventist churches are "gay-friendly"
with openly gay members participating and holding offices in
the church should not be confused with a divine fiat on the
issue of gay sex. We must each answer to God for ourselves,
and no pastor or local church board has the authority to
broaden the way that Christ called "narrow." Neither do they
have the authority to define sin differently from the Bible
which defines sin only in terms of action, not in terms of
orientation or inclination. Thus, we applaud the stance of
churches that welcome gay members without inquiring closely
into their intimate lives while at the same time they make clear
that they uphold God's rules of sexual conduct. (This would
apply equally to gay and straight members.) While the
principles are clear in Scripture, precisely what behavior is
inside or outside God's plan for us is a matter to be settled
between individuals and their God.
Options 3 & 4
A third option involves acknowledgment of one's homosexual
orientation before God and submitting it to Him -- in the same
manner that heterosexual should submit their sexual desires
to Him. In the case of gay people, this can mean a celibate
lifestyle which includes emotionally fulfilling relationships with
both men and women. But that's not the only option.
Gay people on our lists have testified how their sexual
compulsions have lessened and taken up less of their
emotional and mental energy after they admitted to
themselves that, yes, they are gay/homosexually oriented.
Then they could turn their attention to ways of living their life
to the glory of God instead of spending their energy on
denying their orientation. Others have testified how seeking
emotionally fulfilling relationships with others of their own
gender have nurtured them and normalized their sexual urges
so that they have receded into the background, where they
belong, rather than being front and center in their lives so as
to consume their identity. Seeing attractive men or women as
children of God and brothers and sisters in Christ, rather than
sex objects, allows them to have a perspective on life that is
more like that of God.
Option 3: Celibacy in the Single Life
The lives of Jesus, Paul the Apostle, many of the prophets as
well as saints of the Christian era demonstrate the lives of
rewarding service possible to those who choose celibacy to
the glory of God. One thing is sure: Jesus understands those
who choose the single, celibate life. He's been there, done
that. And the Apostle Paul went so far as to express the
opinion that it would be best for others to be single as he was,
if they could. (See 1 Corinthians 7:7,8)
Option 4: Heterosexual Marriage
Others on our lists have demonstrated that it is not necessary
to undergo change therapy and develop a heterosexual
orientation in order to have a satisfying marriage. It is
necessary to be attracted to only one person of the opposite
sex in order to have a family after God's plan. All other sexual
attraction needs to be disciplined by both gay and straight
people. But there's a difference in the way gay people and
straight people get to the marriage altar.
Straight relationships often begin with sexual attraction and
(hopefully) develop to the place where they include emotional,
mental and spiritual attraction and fellowships. (Often they
don't move to that level of true bonding that God intended,
and that probably accounts for today's high divorce rate.) Gay
people who marry someone of the opposite sex usually start at
the opposite end of the relationship scale. They develop a
close friendship with an emotional, spiritual and mental bond
before they feel any sort of physical attraction. And that
attraction is likely to develop slowly and gently, rather than
tempestuously and overwhelmingly. Is that a bad thing?
Judging by the divorce rate among those whose relationships
began with sexual attraction, I think not. I have seen better
gay-straight marriages than the average straight marriage.
(However, marriage is not an "answer" to homosexuality. It is
an option that needs to be seriously considered and
approached with absolute honesty and openness and a
willingness to wait for God's timing.)
These are the major options, even while there are others that
are not practical for most people -- such as the long-term
relationships that develop into celibate relationships. (We've
had several such couples on our lists --individuals who began
as sexually active couples but chose celibacy after being
convicted by the Holy Spirit -- but we've found that two gay
people purposely planning a celibate relationship from the
outset have difficulty maintaining it.) However, God can and
will give wisdom to all who ask Him, as He has promised in
James 1:5, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who
gives to all men generously, without finding fault, and it will be
given him."
The teachings of Christ are full of paradoxes, such as "The
first shall be last," and to die to self is to live eternally. He
taught us that to follow Him means committing to a path of
self-denial -- whether we are gay or straight. "If anyone would
be my disciple, let him take up his cross daily and follow me."
(Luke 9:23) This "cross" is often more obvious to the gay
Christian than to the heterosexual Christian, and perhaps
that's a good thing because this "cross" cannot be borne
alone, and hooking up with Christ is the only way any of us will
be saved. He is willing and able to walk with us every step of
the way.
As in all other areas of life, true joy and satisfaction is found
only in submission to our infinitely loving Lord who never asks
us to do anything that we would not choose for ourselves if we
could see the end from the beginning as He sees and discern
the glory of His purpose for our lives.
May He grant each of us the wisdom to live our lives to His
glory so that our joy may be full, as He promised!
A Footnote:
You will find specific support for Options 3 and 4 on our
GLAdventist and GLOWfriends lists. (You only need to sign up
for one; we'll subscribe you to the others automatically,
providing you tell us your gender and your church affiliation.)
If you're not sure of your own view, feel free to join us and ask
questions. You'll meet some of the finest Christians on the
planet, and you can make some real friends there who are
willing to share the truth about their experiences and lift you
up with their prayers.
So What Are My Options?
© 2005 by Inge S. Anderson
Back to Perspectives | Back to Inge's Inklings
Gay and lesbian Adventists often believe they have only two
options -- either to submit to change therapy in order to
become "heterosexual" or to join the gay world in indulging in
gay sex. But this either/or argument is one invented by the
devil himself, I'm sure, because attempting either option can
result in a kind of slavery. And Satan specializes in slavery. But
the Good News is that Jesus came to give us freedom! So
please stay with me to examine some other options.
Option 1
In other essays I've expressed disagreement with the
philosophy of change ministries. (See "About Change
Ministries" and "Change Ministries Revisited.") So, I don't
consider that a viable option, except as a way to meet some
dedicated, like-minded Christians and learn some coping
methods. (And you will meet some fine, dedicated Christians
there and could possibly make some life-long friends.)
We don't know of any change ministries currently run by
Adventists, even though Homosexuals Anonymous, originally
started by former Adventist Colin Cook, still has chapters here
and there. (Friends tell me that HA meetings can be helpful
and supportive.) However, the history of Colin Cook and his
repeated sexual indiscretions while running change ministries
seem to have soured Adventist leadership on backing
ministries involved with homosexual issues. It is to their credit
that editors of Ministry magazine tackled the topic some years
back, and they have given us permission to re-publish some of
these articles. See "Adventist Leaders and Writers Address
Homosexuality."
Some Principles
And this is a good place to point out that a homosexual
orientation does not make anyone any more sinful or
"abominable" in the sight of God than a heterosexual
orientation. (See What Is an Abomination to God?) We are all
born sinners (Romans 3:23) with a heart that "is deceitful
above all things and desperately wicked." (Jeremiah 17:9) All
except Jesus. He was God in human flesh come to deliver us
from sin and to show us the way to live a victorious Christian
life. And His way was the way of self-denial: He came not to do
His own will, but the will of Him that sent Him (John 6:38). He
calls us to the same path, saying to all who would follow him,
"Take up your cross daily, and follow me." (Luke 9:23) It's one
of the paradoxes of the gospel that we find joy and happiness
by giving up our own way and submitting to His.
Satan has deceived us into thinking that we will be happier
when we do things our way instead of God's way. He has
pictured God as the kill-joy and himself as the "liberator." But
you know he's a liar. The Bible tells us that true freedom and
liberty is found by those who walk within God's Law -- the
fence He has set around us to keep us from harm. (See such
passages as Psalm 119:45, Isaiah 61:1, James 1:25) A little lady
who had some real insight into how things really are wrote this
some years back: "God never leads His children otherwise
than they would choose to be led, if they could see the end
from the beginning and discern the glory of the purpose which
they are fulfilling as co-workers with Him." (Ellen White in
Ministry of Healing, p. 479) But Satan has many ways to cause
us to doubt the goodness of God. One of the most terrible is
the abuse of children by their fathers. Thus I know some gay
men and lesbian women who have had a very difficult time
relating to God because the Bible refers to God as Father, and
their father has abused them. (That is a whole subject unto
itself.) While there are also other images of God in the Bible, it
may be best just to think of God as the ideal father they should
have had. Our imaginations are very powerful, and there is no
better use for them than to make truths feel real to us.
Option 2
An option that the world presents to homosexually oriented
persons is to just go for it -- indulge in gay sex and live the
"gay life." While at first, this thought repels the conscientious
Christian, it's quite possible to become used to it. As
Alexander Pope wrote,
Vice is a monster of such frightful mien
That to be hated needs but to be seen.
But seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.
(from Pope's "Essay on Man")
And that's the danger in watching gay movies, and even
listening to the news. Inhibitions are broken down, and, once
tried, gay sex seems so "natural." Furthermore, it's highly
addictive.
Advocates of gay sex and gay "marriage," represented among
Adventists by SDAKinship International, argue something like
this: God created me gay; therefore it must be all right to
indulge my sexual desires. The texts in the Bible referring to
same-gender sex must not refer to relationships between
those who are homosexually oriented. (Please understand that
I believe that SDAKinship has done and is still doing a valuable
service by rescuing Adventist gay people from the pit of
despair. They fail, however, in providing a genuine practical
and biblically sound solution.)
Books have been written to interpret the five texts in
Scripture referring to same-gender sex in such a manner as to
exclude loving relationships. (Hey, it takes books to turn these
clear texts into something that permits gay sex!) Gay
theologians argue that the texts mentioning same-gender sex
in Scripture refer to temple prostitutes in connection with idol
worship, for instance, and they do not refer to loving
relationships between two persons of the same gender. What
they fail to take into account is that, even if this were true, gay
sex is mentioned in the Bible, and never favorably. By
contrast, marriage between a man and a woman is mentioned
frequently as being blessed of God. Indeed, God often uses
marriage as an analogy of the kind of relationship He wishes to
have with His people. Furthermore, the Bible makes clear that
all sex outside this relationship is abhorred in God's sight --
whether that's heterosexual or homosexual. I figure the same
God who made us knows that there's something about the
sexual "one-flesh" experience that takes something away from
us unless we engage in it within the boundaries God has
provided. We ignore His rules to our own injury.
The position of the Adventist church on this issue is
unequivocal: Sexual intercourse is to be reserved for
marriage between a man and a woman. (See the Adventist
position statements referenced on this site.) This is based on
the biblical record which indicates that God invented sex and
blessed sexual union for the purpose of procreation and
promoting "oneness" between a man and a woman joined for
life in the covenant of marriage. He gave sex to humanity
made in His image so that we might partake in His creative
activity, and He often speaks of His relationship with His
people in terms like that of this original marriage covenant. By
contrast, same-gender sex is only mentioned five times and
never in positive terms. Gay theologians thus stand on rather
shaky ground.
The fact that several Adventist churches are "gay-friendly"
with openly gay members participating and holding offices in
the church should not be confused with a divine fiat on the
issue of gay sex. We must each answer to God for ourselves,
and no pastor or local church board has the authority to
broaden the way that Christ called "narrow." Neither do they
have the authority to define sin differently from the Bible
which defines sin only in terms of action, not in terms of
orientation or inclination. Thus, we applaud the stance of
churches that welcome gay members without inquiring closely
into their intimate lives while at the same time they make clear
that they uphold God's rules of sexual conduct. (This would
apply equally to gay and straight members.) While the
principles are clear in Scripture, precisely what behavior is
inside or outside God's plan for us is a matter to be settled
between individuals and their God.
Options 3 & 4
A third option involves acknowledgment of one's homosexual
orientation before God and submitting it to Him -- in the same
manner that heterosexual should submit their sexual desires
to Him. In the case of gay people, this can mean a celibate
lifestyle which includes emotionally fulfilling relationships with
both men and women. But that's not the only option.
Gay people on our lists have testified how their sexual
compulsions have lessened and taken up less of their
emotional and mental energy after they admitted to
themselves that, yes, they are gay/homosexually oriented.
Then they could turn their attention to ways of living their life
to the glory of God instead of spending their energy on
denying their orientation. Others have testified how seeking
emotionally fulfilling relationships with others of their own
gender have nurtured them and normalized their sexual urges
so that they have receded into the background, where they
belong, rather than being front and center in their lives so as
to consume their identity. Seeing attractive men or women as
children of God and brothers and sisters in Christ, rather than
sex objects, allows them to have a perspective on life that is
more like that of God.
Option 3: Celibacy in the Single Life
The lives of Jesus, Paul the Apostle, many of the prophets as
well as saints of the Christian era demonstrate the lives of
rewarding service possible to those who choose celibacy to
the glory of God. One thing is sure: Jesus understands those
who choose the single, celibate life. He's been there, done
that. And the Apostle Paul went so far as to express the
opinion that it would be best for others to be single as he was,
if they could. (See 1 Corinthians 7:7,8)
Option 4: Heterosexual Marriage
Others on our lists have demonstrated that it is not necessary
to undergo change therapy and develop a heterosexual
orientation in order to have a satisfying marriage. It is
necessary to be attracted to only one person of the opposite
sex in order to have a family after God's plan. All other sexual
attraction needs to be disciplined by both gay and straight
people. But there's a difference in the way gay people and
straight people get to the marriage altar.
Straight relationships often begin with sexual attraction and
(hopefully) develop to the place where they include emotional,
mental and spiritual attraction and fellowships. (Often they
don't move to that level of true bonding that God intended,
and that probably accounts for today's high divorce rate.) Gay
people who marry someone of the opposite sex usually start at
the opposite end of the relationship scale. They develop a
close friendship with an emotional, spiritual and mental bond
before they feel any sort of physical attraction. And that
attraction is likely to develop slowly and gently, rather than
tempestuously and overwhelmingly. Is that a bad thing?
Judging by the divorce rate among those whose relationships
began with sexual attraction, I think not. I have seen better
gay-straight marriages than the average straight marriage.
(However, marriage is not an "answer" to homosexuality. It is
an option that needs to be seriously considered and
approached with absolute honesty and openness and a
willingness to wait for God's timing.)
These are the major options, even while there are others that
are not practical for most people -- such as the long-term
relationships that develop into celibate relationships. (We've
had several such couples on our lists --individuals who began
as sexually active couples but chose celibacy after being
convicted by the Holy Spirit -- but we've found that two gay
people purposely planning a celibate relationship from the
outset have difficulty maintaining it.) However, God can and
will give wisdom to all who ask Him, as He has promised in
James 1:5, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who
gives to all men generously, without finding fault, and it will be
given him."
The teachings of Christ are full of paradoxes, such as "The
first shall be last," and to die to self is to live eternally. He
taught us that to follow Him means committing to a path of
self-denial -- whether we are gay or straight. "If anyone would
be my disciple, let him take up his cross daily and follow me."
(Luke 9:23) This "cross" is often more obvious to the gay
Christian than to the heterosexual Christian, and perhaps
that's a good thing because this "cross" cannot be borne
alone, and hooking up with Christ is the only way any of us will
be saved. He is willing and able to walk with us every step of
the way.
As in all other areas of life, true joy and satisfaction is found
only in submission to our infinitely loving Lord who never asks
us to do anything that we would not choose for ourselves if we
could see the end from the beginning as He sees and discern
the glory of His purpose for our lives.
May He grant each of us the wisdom to live our lives to His
glory so that our joy may be full, as He promised!
A Footnote:
You will find specific support for Options 3 and 4 on our
GLAdventist and GLOWfriends lists. (You only need to sign up
for one; we'll subscribe you to the others automatically,
providing you tell us your gender and your church affiliation.)
If you're not sure of your own view, feel free to join us and ask
questions. You'll meet some of the finest Christians on the
planet, and you can make some real friends there who are
willing to share the truth about their experiences and lift you
up with their prayers.
So What Is the Good News We Have to Offer?
The Good News is that you don't have to
pretend any more! You don't have to pretend
that you are straight. You don't have to
pretend that you have things under control.
And you don't have to pretend that the Bible
really doesn't say anything against gay sex.
You don't have to pretend that you're not a
sinner.
Pretending is a lot of work, especially if you
have to do it all the time. And it has other
drawbacks as well. It keeps us from forming
genuine, deep relationships. Pretty soon we
don't know who we are any more -- what is
pretense and what is really us. The worst of it
is that pretending doesn't cut it with God at all.
He had some choice things to say to the
Pharisees who were very good at this game.
Remember?
There's more Good News: You don't have to be
perfect before God will love you. The Good
News is that God loves you just as you are. He
loves you just where you are. He would have
come to die for just you if you were the only
one who needed saving. In fact He went to the
trouble of picking a feeble little woman to be
spokesperson for Him in order to give you that
message. Here it is: "Christ would have died
for one soul in order that that one might live
through the eternal ages." (Ellen White,
Testimonies to the Church, Volume 8, p. 72)
That means that if you were the only sinner,
Christ would have died for you alone! That's
how precious you are in His sight.
And there's more: Not only do you not have to
pretend that you are straight. You also don't
have to be straight to be close to God. In case
you didn't know it, it was likely mainly straight
people who crucified Christ. So being straight
doesn't get you a lot closer to a real
relationship with Jesus. In fact, according to
my observation, being homosexually oriented
and finally admitting it and turning it over to
God gives you an advantage over most of the
straight members in your congregation. You
see, if you take the route of giving your
sexuality to God because there's nothing much
good that you can do with it on your own, you'll
know that you absolutely have to depend on
Him in order to make it anywhere. You won't
dare walk alone, but you'll know He's always
beside you. Right beside you, close enough so
you can cling to Him. And cling you must, for
dear life, as you know, because otherwise
you'll blow it.
Why does that give you an advantage over
most of the members in your church? Because
none of us can make it without clinging to
Christ for dear life. But it's so much easier for
us to forget when we "only" have sins of pride,
selfishness, covetousness, lust,
ostentatiousness, dishonesty -- you know, the
more "respectable sins." (See, "Calling Sin by
Its Right Name" on the GLOW web site.) But if
you struggle with sexual sins you know you
need to cling to God. And that's the only way
any of us are going to make it to heaven
--clinging to Christ closely enough to be
wrapped up in His robes of righteousness.
And, after all, that's all that matters, isn't it?
This little life here is a drop in the bucket of
eternity. But that's not saying that going with
Christ here is a dreary journey. On the
contrary, you'll experience a sense of freedom
and excitement when you finally give it all to
Him and forget about trying to justify yourself
or pretend that you aren't what you are -- a
sinner in desperate need of saving. How do I
know? I've experienced it!!
No, I haven't lived the "gay" life in of of North
America's big cities. But I've seen myself in
contrast to the purity and holiness of Jesus,
and that's an experience never to be
forgotten! It's an experience of dying -- which
isn't nice. Death isn't called an enemy without
reason. But after dying comes resurrection and
walking in newness of life with Jesus Christ.
Sure, we stumble and even fall every now and
then even after we enter into the new life. But
He does not cast us off or forsake us. He's
right there to pick us up -- even when/if we do
something nasty like getting into porn and
feeling really filthy as a result. (One of our
GLOWfriends members wrote it up nicely
several years ago. Check out, "Jesus and
Porn.") Having said that, we're far better off
just walking so close to Jesus that we don't
even get close to something that nasty --
having every thought in subjection to Him. If
you haven't experienced that, you've got the
best of life yet ahead of you.
And the Good News is that you can begin right
now!! We enter into the Kingdom right here
and now, even though we must wait for the
Second Coming to experience all of its
fullness. But even a taste of His Kingdom is a
whole lot better than anything the world has to
offer. If you don't believe me, you'll just have to
experience it, for spiritual things are spiritually
discerned, and you get that discernment only
with the new birth. What have you got to lose?
What do you have to give up, except a poor,
sin-polluted heart? God will never ask you to
give up anything that is in your best interest to
keep. The excitement that keeps you from
being overwhelmed with loneliness is shown
up for the poor substitute it really is once you
get just one glimpse of our dear Lord Jesus.
Begin today, right now, to walk with Him. Just
make the choice now and tell Him, "Lord,
please take my heart, my sinful heart, for I
cannot give it. Take me and mold me into your
image. Keep me close to Yourself and show me
the way to go, for I do not know the way."
He will show you if you pray that prayer! But I
wouldn't be honest if I told you that he'll show
you a path covered with a velvet carpet. You
may not like what He shows you, but if you will
step out in faith and walk in that path, He will
reward you --not just in eternity, but here and
now! You will have a peace and inner joy that
you could only dream of before, and He will
lead you on paths of new adventure.
If you're not quite ready for that, "Ask Him to
give you repentance, to reveal Christ to you in
His infinite love, in His perfect purity. In the
Saviour's life the principles of God's law--love
to God and man--were perfectly exemplified.
Benevolence, unselfish love, was the life of
His soul. It is as we behold Him, as the light
from our Saviour falls upon us, that we see the
sinfulness of our own hearts." (Steps to Christ,
p. 28) He has promised, "You shall find me if
you search for me with all your heart."
(Jeremiah 29:13)
May you find Him who has come that our joy
might be full! (John 15:11)
Come join us in our online community where
we support each other on the journey --
wherever we are right now. You can find us at
Yahoogroups/GLOWfriends. (Be sure to tell us
a little about yourself so we can introduce you
to our online family.)
The Good News is that you don't have to
pretend any more! You don't have to pretend
that you are straight. You don't have to
pretend that you have things under control.
And you don't have to pretend that the Bible
really doesn't say anything against gay sex.
You don't have to pretend that you're not a
sinner.
Pretending is a lot of work, especially if you
have to do it all the time. And it has other
drawbacks as well. It keeps us from forming
genuine, deep relationships. Pretty soon we
don't know who we are any more -- what is
pretense and what is really us. The worst of it
is that pretending doesn't cut it with God at all.
He had some choice things to say to the
Pharisees who were very good at this game.
Remember?
There's more Good News: You don't have to be
perfect before God will love you. The Good
News is that God loves you just as you are. He
loves you just where you are. He would have
come to die for just you if you were the only
one who needed saving. In fact He went to the
trouble of picking a feeble little woman to be
spokesperson for Him in order to give you that
message. Here it is: "Christ would have died
for one soul in order that that one might live
through the eternal ages." (Ellen White,
Testimonies to the Church, Volume 8, p. 72)
That means that if you were the only sinner,
Christ would have died for you alone! That's
how precious you are in His sight.
And there's more: Not only do you not have to
pretend that you are straight. You also don't
have to be straight to be close to God. In case
you didn't know it, it was likely mainly straight
people who crucified Christ. So being straight
doesn't get you a lot closer to a real
relationship with Jesus. In fact, according to
my observation, being homosexually oriented
and finally admitting it and turning it over to
God gives you an advantage over most of the
straight members in your congregation. You
see, if you take the route of giving your
sexuality to God because there's nothing much
good that you can do with it on your own, you'll
know that you absolutely have to depend on
Him in order to make it anywhere. You won't
dare walk alone, but you'll know He's always
beside you. Right beside you, close enough so
you can cling to Him. And cling you must, for
dear life, as you know, because otherwise
you'll blow it.
Why does that give you an advantage over
most of the members in your church? Because
none of us can make it without clinging to
Christ for dear life. But it's so much easier for
us to forget when we "only" have sins of pride,
selfishness, covetousness, lust,
ostentatiousness, dishonesty -- you know, the
more "respectable sins." (See, "Calling Sin by
Its Right Name" on the GLOW web site.) But if
you struggle with sexual sins you know you
need to cling to God. And that's the only way
any of us are going to make it to heaven
--clinging to Christ closely enough to be
wrapped up in His robes of righteousness.
And, after all, that's all that matters, isn't it?
This little life here is a drop in the bucket of
eternity. But that's not saying that going with
Christ here is a dreary journey. On the
contrary, you'll experience a sense of freedom
and excitement when you finally give it all to
Him and forget about trying to justify yourself
or pretend that you aren't what you are -- a
sinner in desperate need of saving. How do I
know? I've experienced it!!
No, I haven't lived the "gay" life in of of North
America's big cities. But I've seen myself in
contrast to the purity and holiness of Jesus,
and that's an experience never to be
forgotten! It's an experience of dying -- which
isn't nice. Death isn't called an enemy without
reason. But after dying comes resurrection and
walking in newness of life with Jesus Christ.
Sure, we stumble and even fall every now and
then even after we enter into the new life. But
He does not cast us off or forsake us. He's
right there to pick us up -- even when/if we do
something nasty like getting into porn and
feeling really filthy as a result. (One of our
GLOWfriends members wrote it up nicely
several years ago. Check out, "Jesus and
Porn.") Having said that, we're far better off
just walking so close to Jesus that we don't
even get close to something that nasty --
having every thought in subjection to Him. If
you haven't experienced that, you've got the
best of life yet ahead of you.
And the Good News is that you can begin right
now!! We enter into the Kingdom right here
and now, even though we must wait for the
Second Coming to experience all of its
fullness. But even a taste of His Kingdom is a
whole lot better than anything the world has to
offer. If you don't believe me, you'll just have to
experience it, for spiritual things are spiritually
discerned, and you get that discernment only
with the new birth. What have you got to lose?
What do you have to give up, except a poor,
sin-polluted heart? God will never ask you to
give up anything that is in your best interest to
keep. The excitement that keeps you from
being overwhelmed with loneliness is shown
up for the poor substitute it really is once you
get just one glimpse of our dear Lord Jesus.
Begin today, right now, to walk with Him. Just
make the choice now and tell Him, "Lord,
please take my heart, my sinful heart, for I
cannot give it. Take me and mold me into your
image. Keep me close to Yourself and show me
the way to go, for I do not know the way."
He will show you if you pray that prayer! But I
wouldn't be honest if I told you that he'll show
you a path covered with a velvet carpet. You
may not like what He shows you, but if you will
step out in faith and walk in that path, He will
reward you --not just in eternity, but here and
now! You will have a peace and inner joy that
you could only dream of before, and He will
lead you on paths of new adventure.
If you're not quite ready for that, "Ask Him to
give you repentance, to reveal Christ to you in
His infinite love, in His perfect purity. In the
Saviour's life the principles of God's law--love
to God and man--were perfectly exemplified.
Benevolence, unselfish love, was the life of
His soul. It is as we behold Him, as the light
from our Saviour falls upon us, that we see the
sinfulness of our own hearts." (Steps to Christ,
p. 28) He has promised, "You shall find me if
you search for me with all your heart."
(Jeremiah 29:13)
May you find Him who has come that our joy
might be full! (John 15:11)
Come join us in our online community where
we support each other on the journey --
wherever we are right now. You can find us at
Yahoogroups/GLOWfriends. (Be sure to tell us
a little about yourself so we can introduce you
to our online family.)
Finding Peace
Written by David Coltheart
9, we were transferred to Australia. Three years I
later my dad baptised me at the evangelistic mind
and I always felt guilty about them.
later my dad baptised me at the evangelistic
meeting he was conducting. But even at that age,
I knew there were certain things that triggered my
mind and I always felt guilty about them.
I never enjoyed sporting activities since I
preferred to read a book rather than get rough
and dirty. Despite that, I had some good friends in
my class at the Adventist high school and I got
along well with them. But my best friend was
different. The other boys teased him and I couldn’
t figure out why. All I knew was that there was
something that drew me to him, something that no
one talked about.
When I was 14, we moved to London. I knew there
was something different about me that I couldn’t
define. Sex was not discussed at home or at the
Adventist school in England where I spent my
teenage years and I remained in questioning
ignorance. I was a good student and did well
academically. But when I wasn’t immersed in
studying, I secretly admired a fellow student who
was a keen sportsman, socially confident and
good-looking.
The word “gay” wasn’t used in the late 1960s. The
only word, whispered in shocked undertones, was
“homosexual”—and I knew I wasn’t one of them.
But when I was 17, I was accused of being a
“homosexual” on the grounds that I didn’t play
football and never had girlfriends. The abusive
word stung and I hotly denied the charge—there
was nothing in my life even to suggest that I fitted
the stereotype. The confrontation passed, but my
identity was in question. Was it true, I wondered?
Did someone know more about me than I knew
myself?
Answering what I still believe was a call from God,
I studied for the ministry at Newbold College. Like
everyone else, I dated girls, but the occasions
were scary and awkward. I was always relieved
when the event was over. I became friends with a
student from Eastern Europe who expressed his
feelings more openly than I did. Sometimes he
innocently put his hand on my shoulder or gave
me a manly hug. My heart beat faster, but the
moment passed and I never said a word. The next
summer, both 19 years old, we worked together
selling children’s books door to door. I longed for
a closer relationship–but I kept my dreams to
myself.
After three years at college, I volunteered as a
student missionary and enjoyed the adventure of
travel and the challenge of evangelism in West
Africa. While there, I wrote to a girl I knew from
college, but the romance crashed and I was
relieved. I had always preferred the company of
male friends anyway. But I was troubled. Did God
condemn me for something that was not my fault
and had always been a part of me since early
adolescence? I carried a burden of guilt that
prayer and Bible study could not erase.
I completed my Masters degree at Andrews
University. About that time my father died and our
family returned to Australia. I started my work in
public evangelism, a role I knew was God’s will for
my life. I assumed one day I would fall in love,
marry, establish a home and live happily ever
after. That was what my church decreed, society
required and my family expected. I believed
marriage would “fix the problem.” But even after I
met someone and became engaged, I didn’t “feel”
romantic and wasn’t sure I was doing the right
thing. Since I didn’t dare trust anyone with my
secret, I decided it was better to say nothing and
hope for the best. After the wedding, I knew I had
done the right thing—I had passed into a society
where everyone was nicely arranged in pairs.
Because everyone approved of what we had
done, I assumed I was in love.
As conference (and later union) evangelist, my
wife and I moved 12 times over the next 20 years.
Every shift was a fresh start and I determined with
God’s help to conquer my desires by sheer
willpower. I read the Bible, looking for answers,
and I prayed that God would change me. But the
formula never worked for me. My prayers, though
answered in every other way, on this subject were
unanswered. I knew my church disapproved and
my conscience troubled me. Not only was
homosexuality a sin, it was also an “abomination.”
While other sins were preached about, this sin
was never even whispered, let alone discussed.
By implication, this made it the worst of all sins,
reinforced by instant loss of membership,
followed by ostracism and separation from church
life. Was it so bad to be unforgivable?
I was in a quandary. I loved my job, but apart from
theology degree, I had no other skill or training
and apart from the church, there was nowhere
else to go. I was desperately afraid for my identity
and my livelihood. As the sole wage earner, I had
a family that included three sons to care for. I
wanted to talk to someone. At church meetings
and ministerial retreats, I scanned everyone I met,
hoping to find someone to whom I could confide.
But to even breathe the slightest hint of my
problem was to invite exposure. There was no
one in the church I trusted. I reacted with anger
and frustration, taking out on those I loved my
own inability to find peace of mind—but in
solitude I wept. I stared into the depths of a black
hole from which there seemed no escape.
My belief in God’s grace never wavered and my
assurance of personal salvation was never in
doubt, but while attending a camp meeting, I
experienced a new conversion. After nights of
tears and repentance, my days were suddenly
filled with joy and hope. In spite of my feelings,
God still accepted me, still loved me. At the end of
that week, in the silence of a beautiful bush
setting, a fellow minister baptised me in a nearby
stream. He knew of my experience though not the
struggle behind it. That Sabbath morning was the
most precious moment of my entire life, before or
since. I even dared to hope that my problem was
cured.
It was not to be. Although the commitment
remained, and the glory of my decision has never
left me, my basic nature was unchanged. I was not
wrestling with a mere problem, but a deep, inner
mindset that was beyond choice. I seemed to be
always going against the grain, locked in a grim
struggle between me and a world that refused to
acknowledge such feelings existed. The thought
of being a gay Adventist minister was too
horrifying to contemplate and I buried the
problem under a mountain of guilt and despair.
Since I couldn’t fix the problem, then I had to
stand it.
After praying for months for a change of direction,
I accepted the task of editing a magazine for an
independent ministry supportive of the church.
The next five years were the happiest and busiest
of my life and my life took new directions. More
importantly, I gained new skills.
About that time, we connected to the Internet. I
typed in the words “gay” and “Adventist” and to
my astonishment, discovered SDA Kinship. I
discovered that I was not alone after all.
Suddenly, I could identify with something tangible.
And there were people who affirmed my life and
experience. But it still took years before I came
out of denial. It happened when I looked in the
mirror one morning and said, out loud, “You’re
gay.” I couldn’t believe what I had said, but the
realization had been creeping up on me for years.
Acceptance came slowly and now all that
remained was to tell someone.
I grew up in an era when Adventists didn’t go to
the movies, so I felt awfully guilty when I sneaked
out to see Brokeback Mountain. That was the
turning point. As the achingly beautiful story
unfolded, I knew it was my story. I was
overwhelmed by a tsunami of emotion and tears.
Now the pain of staying in was worse than the
pain of coming out and I figured I only had a few
months to plan my exit strategy. I set a date to tell
my wife and family and made my preparations. I
had been practising my speech for years, but now
it became an obsession. On the appointed day, I
still hesitated, right up until the last second,
knowing that civilisation was about to end. I drew
a breath, and to my own astonishment, told my
story.
I woke next morning to a day I never expected to
see. I felt as if the burden of my life had rolled
away and the relief was palpable and real. I had
already written a letter of resignation to my
beloved church—now I gave it to the church
pastor. Events outside my control took over and
after almost 30 years of marriage, I moved out of
the family home, bought a fridge and a microwave
and began the task of living alone.
As the process of self-disclosure continued, I was
obliged to surrender my job and for the first time I
was unemployed. For months, things got steadily
worse and I felt as if I was falling down a deep pit
without reaching the bottom. When it was obvious
there were no jobs for me in the local area, I
packed up my few possessions, rented a small
truck and shifted 1000 kilometres north to
Queensland. I still had nowhere to go, but that’s
when God intervened.
By a series of apparently random circumstances, I
shared a house with a man on the north side of
Brisbane. More seeming coincidences followed
over the next couple of months which led me to a
job as a technical writer for a training organisation
located in a semi-rural area 100 kilometres north
of the city. I rented a flat on the same day and
suddenly the darkness was over. I found a small,
welcoming church to attend and a circle of church
friends who knew my story and accepted me
regardless. Looking back, the random
circumstances were not mere coincidences, but a
series of remarkable providences, each one
linked to the next, by which God led me to where I
am today.
Six months later I bought a house near where I
work. I live in a beautiful area surrounded by
rainforest, close to the beach. I have some great
friends and a supportive family. I praise God for
His love and grace. He has led me all the way and I
thank Him for His blessings. I can only look back
and see His providential hand over me, guiding
me and caring for me. Now my faith is stronger
than ever. My spiritual life is deeper and more
meaningful. Most of all I have peace of mind
knowing that He accepts me and loves me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
David Coltheart lives on the Sunshine Coast in
Australia, where he attends his local Seventh-day
Adventist Church. He enjoys bushwalking, going
to the beach and making new friends.
Written by David Coltheart
9, we were transferred to Australia. Three years I
later my dad baptised me at the evangelistic mind
and I always felt guilty about them.
later my dad baptised me at the evangelistic
meeting he was conducting. But even at that age,
I knew there were certain things that triggered my
mind and I always felt guilty about them.
I never enjoyed sporting activities since I
preferred to read a book rather than get rough
and dirty. Despite that, I had some good friends in
my class at the Adventist high school and I got
along well with them. But my best friend was
different. The other boys teased him and I couldn’
t figure out why. All I knew was that there was
something that drew me to him, something that no
one talked about.
When I was 14, we moved to London. I knew there
was something different about me that I couldn’t
define. Sex was not discussed at home or at the
Adventist school in England where I spent my
teenage years and I remained in questioning
ignorance. I was a good student and did well
academically. But when I wasn’t immersed in
studying, I secretly admired a fellow student who
was a keen sportsman, socially confident and
good-looking.
The word “gay” wasn’t used in the late 1960s. The
only word, whispered in shocked undertones, was
“homosexual”—and I knew I wasn’t one of them.
But when I was 17, I was accused of being a
“homosexual” on the grounds that I didn’t play
football and never had girlfriends. The abusive
word stung and I hotly denied the charge—there
was nothing in my life even to suggest that I fitted
the stereotype. The confrontation passed, but my
identity was in question. Was it true, I wondered?
Did someone know more about me than I knew
myself?
Answering what I still believe was a call from God,
I studied for the ministry at Newbold College. Like
everyone else, I dated girls, but the occasions
were scary and awkward. I was always relieved
when the event was over. I became friends with a
student from Eastern Europe who expressed his
feelings more openly than I did. Sometimes he
innocently put his hand on my shoulder or gave
me a manly hug. My heart beat faster, but the
moment passed and I never said a word. The next
summer, both 19 years old, we worked together
selling children’s books door to door. I longed for
a closer relationship–but I kept my dreams to
myself.
After three years at college, I volunteered as a
student missionary and enjoyed the adventure of
travel and the challenge of evangelism in West
Africa. While there, I wrote to a girl I knew from
college, but the romance crashed and I was
relieved. I had always preferred the company of
male friends anyway. But I was troubled. Did God
condemn me for something that was not my fault
and had always been a part of me since early
adolescence? I carried a burden of guilt that
prayer and Bible study could not erase.
I completed my Masters degree at Andrews
University. About that time my father died and our
family returned to Australia. I started my work in
public evangelism, a role I knew was God’s will for
my life. I assumed one day I would fall in love,
marry, establish a home and live happily ever
after. That was what my church decreed, society
required and my family expected. I believed
marriage would “fix the problem.” But even after I
met someone and became engaged, I didn’t “feel”
romantic and wasn’t sure I was doing the right
thing. Since I didn’t dare trust anyone with my
secret, I decided it was better to say nothing and
hope for the best. After the wedding, I knew I had
done the right thing—I had passed into a society
where everyone was nicely arranged in pairs.
Because everyone approved of what we had
done, I assumed I was in love.
As conference (and later union) evangelist, my
wife and I moved 12 times over the next 20 years.
Every shift was a fresh start and I determined with
God’s help to conquer my desires by sheer
willpower. I read the Bible, looking for answers,
and I prayed that God would change me. But the
formula never worked for me. My prayers, though
answered in every other way, on this subject were
unanswered. I knew my church disapproved and
my conscience troubled me. Not only was
homosexuality a sin, it was also an “abomination.”
While other sins were preached about, this sin
was never even whispered, let alone discussed.
By implication, this made it the worst of all sins,
reinforced by instant loss of membership,
followed by ostracism and separation from church
life. Was it so bad to be unforgivable?
I was in a quandary. I loved my job, but apart from
theology degree, I had no other skill or training
and apart from the church, there was nowhere
else to go. I was desperately afraid for my identity
and my livelihood. As the sole wage earner, I had
a family that included three sons to care for. I
wanted to talk to someone. At church meetings
and ministerial retreats, I scanned everyone I met,
hoping to find someone to whom I could confide.
But to even breathe the slightest hint of my
problem was to invite exposure. There was no
one in the church I trusted. I reacted with anger
and frustration, taking out on those I loved my
own inability to find peace of mind—but in
solitude I wept. I stared into the depths of a black
hole from which there seemed no escape.
My belief in God’s grace never wavered and my
assurance of personal salvation was never in
doubt, but while attending a camp meeting, I
experienced a new conversion. After nights of
tears and repentance, my days were suddenly
filled with joy and hope. In spite of my feelings,
God still accepted me, still loved me. At the end of
that week, in the silence of a beautiful bush
setting, a fellow minister baptised me in a nearby
stream. He knew of my experience though not the
struggle behind it. That Sabbath morning was the
most precious moment of my entire life, before or
since. I even dared to hope that my problem was
cured.
It was not to be. Although the commitment
remained, and the glory of my decision has never
left me, my basic nature was unchanged. I was not
wrestling with a mere problem, but a deep, inner
mindset that was beyond choice. I seemed to be
always going against the grain, locked in a grim
struggle between me and a world that refused to
acknowledge such feelings existed. The thought
of being a gay Adventist minister was too
horrifying to contemplate and I buried the
problem under a mountain of guilt and despair.
Since I couldn’t fix the problem, then I had to
stand it.
After praying for months for a change of direction,
I accepted the task of editing a magazine for an
independent ministry supportive of the church.
The next five years were the happiest and busiest
of my life and my life took new directions. More
importantly, I gained new skills.
About that time, we connected to the Internet. I
typed in the words “gay” and “Adventist” and to
my astonishment, discovered SDA Kinship. I
discovered that I was not alone after all.
Suddenly, I could identify with something tangible.
And there were people who affirmed my life and
experience. But it still took years before I came
out of denial. It happened when I looked in the
mirror one morning and said, out loud, “You’re
gay.” I couldn’t believe what I had said, but the
realization had been creeping up on me for years.
Acceptance came slowly and now all that
remained was to tell someone.
I grew up in an era when Adventists didn’t go to
the movies, so I felt awfully guilty when I sneaked
out to see Brokeback Mountain. That was the
turning point. As the achingly beautiful story
unfolded, I knew it was my story. I was
overwhelmed by a tsunami of emotion and tears.
Now the pain of staying in was worse than the
pain of coming out and I figured I only had a few
months to plan my exit strategy. I set a date to tell
my wife and family and made my preparations. I
had been practising my speech for years, but now
it became an obsession. On the appointed day, I
still hesitated, right up until the last second,
knowing that civilisation was about to end. I drew
a breath, and to my own astonishment, told my
story.
I woke next morning to a day I never expected to
see. I felt as if the burden of my life had rolled
away and the relief was palpable and real. I had
already written a letter of resignation to my
beloved church—now I gave it to the church
pastor. Events outside my control took over and
after almost 30 years of marriage, I moved out of
the family home, bought a fridge and a microwave
and began the task of living alone.
As the process of self-disclosure continued, I was
obliged to surrender my job and for the first time I
was unemployed. For months, things got steadily
worse and I felt as if I was falling down a deep pit
without reaching the bottom. When it was obvious
there were no jobs for me in the local area, I
packed up my few possessions, rented a small
truck and shifted 1000 kilometres north to
Queensland. I still had nowhere to go, but that’s
when God intervened.
By a series of apparently random circumstances, I
shared a house with a man on the north side of
Brisbane. More seeming coincidences followed
over the next couple of months which led me to a
job as a technical writer for a training organisation
located in a semi-rural area 100 kilometres north
of the city. I rented a flat on the same day and
suddenly the darkness was over. I found a small,
welcoming church to attend and a circle of church
friends who knew my story and accepted me
regardless. Looking back, the random
circumstances were not mere coincidences, but a
series of remarkable providences, each one
linked to the next, by which God led me to where I
am today.
Six months later I bought a house near where I
work. I live in a beautiful area surrounded by
rainforest, close to the beach. I have some great
friends and a supportive family. I praise God for
His love and grace. He has led me all the way and I
thank Him for His blessings. I can only look back
and see His providential hand over me, guiding
me and caring for me. Now my faith is stronger
than ever. My spiritual life is deeper and more
meaningful. Most of all I have peace of mind
knowing that He accepts me and loves me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
David Coltheart lives on the Sunshine Coast in
Australia, where he attends his local Seventh-day
Adventist Church. He enjoys bushwalking, going
to the beach and making new friends.
There are just to many proud homosexual Adventist
testimonys to put on this ministry. The end is very
near get ready before Jesus catches you off guard.
testimonys to put on this ministry. The end is very
near get ready before Jesus catches you off guard.
Homosexuality is one of the many
examples of Satan's clever work.
(Creeping Compromise)
examples of Satan's clever work.
(Creeping Compromise)
Broken Adventist Ministry
Sexual Sin Is WRONG, Gay or Not.